The past is being re-written
In January this year, I received an email that was going to change the course of how I imagined the past, more precisely my marital past. The past was being reconstructed in the light of new information.
As soon as I saw this email, sent to myself, and to a number of QUT people working with the person who wrote this email, including my former husband (QUT is his workplace), I feared the worst. I even asked my friend to come over to my house, read the email first, and let me know if I should even read it as I was trying to protect myself emotionally. I had, at this stage, no longer any contact with my ex whatsoever; every contact with him would trigger too much negative feelings for what it was worth.
I had just finished my radiotherapy and I knew I needed calm in order to recover well. Emergency stays for my daughter were still very frequent and difficult to manage on my own. That was enough for me to deal with emotionally. I was concentrating on my final psychology degree exams. If there is one thing I did not want right then & for 2021, it was to dwell on painful marital past events that I had put behind me.
Well, I received this letter in the middle of an emergency event, I only looked at the email heading at the Mater Hospital waiting room.
My friend said, yes, you should read. Never, in my life, had I asked anyone to open a personal letter to me before, but I could tell that this one was going to take its toll on me. A chill went through me, like an intuition. All news from him lately had been bad news.
It was indeed bad news. I replied at 2am during that night after we had come back home and my daughter was settled.
There was some urgency to the reply to the woman who wrote this letter, as she was clearly severely distressed, and a sense of urgency for me as well to handle it swiftly, since I wanted all of this and anything to do with my ex behind me.
It was a letter from a QUT mistress from my former husband. Finally, the truth was coming out.
She was profoundly distressed to the point that she thought she had nothing to lose, and she wanted 'people to know'. Her life was now upside down and nothing much had changed for her partner in crime, my ex.
My ex had left her for another mistress, a QUT Professor he was working with and started dating in June/July 2019 from what she implies and which was confirmed by my daughter. That was before we separated, that is why I refer to this latest QUT woman girlfriend, and now partner 'another mistress'.
The marriage may have survived the first two mistresses but not the last one. She sprang up at a terrible time when married couples who are going through hell with their children's health issues are better left alone. The third surgery (may 2018) had failed, we just had an appointment with the neurosurgeon in Sydney (may 2019) saying that not much could be done now, hopes of recovery had gone. Incidentally, my then husband was 'too busy' (!) to come to Sydney for this important medical appointment with us, he cancelled his flight last minute.
The tacit agreement in June 2019, between my husband and I, was that we were 'going to give it a go for one month', our last attempt to make things work between us after a verbal split up in May 2019 to put an end to our 28 years marriage. There had been some agreement about our marriage ending in May but nothing was sure yet.
For sure, the timing had been terribly cold blooded from his part: he announced 'he did not love me anymore' the day after my son turned 18, a day which should have been a celebration of just having raised two young adults to their majority. It somehow felt calculated but nothing was yet clear. June 2019 was also just before we actually told the children (end of June). I don't need to tell you all the emotional toll this one month trial exercise had on me at the time; I was alone in it, as it turns out with this further deceit.
While I had seek counselling myself a few months earlier when things seriously deteriorated, the (expensive) June counselling was supposedly for him in order to rule out any indirect reason to the marital distress like depression, to my suggestion. He had said his work was taking its toll on him over the last few months, and that 'I had not been of enough support to him'. In fact, I was hoping that the counsellor could help him make progress with the core of our marital problem: the lack of support from 'his' part. As a more immediate need, I was not ruling out the depression theory: he was losing weight, could not sleep well, was exercising maniacally, and was angry all the time with everyone including himself, a sorry sight. He went to see the counsellor for his own benefit only, as it turned out. When I was asking him if the session had been useful, and what could be learnt to help our couple, he would dismiss me, which was highly disappointing. I could not know why.
If only, he had left for the 'love of his life', I would have 'almost' respected; these things are not very controllable, I can conceive it, but no, there had been a series of 'girls next door'. He did not go far away to find them at QUT, the desk next door, people he was working with. They were at least three over the years, including two QUT professors.
The last one gave him a new joint project involving talking to high school girls about embracing IT as a profession ... like them :). It is quite ironic that they could be in a position to inspire young women how to lead their future lives. They see themselves as role models. They bought a large house together earlier this year, have each an office but no spare room for my daughter to this day, just a bed in his office there for her. It is funny, when we were together, he did not like talking about work at home. Now his home is an extension of QUT. At least, he can work in peace now. My daughter has not used it once since March 2021 when they moved in as 'she does not feel at ease there', and visited only once so far. She has not even met her children once.
This is all very well, you may think, it is now in the past, and it certainly means even less regrets for me, except that, no, *it is not very well*, people have been hurt, this young mother of three almost lost her life (x2 suicide attempts), could no longer care for a young baby for a while, lost her husband, her job, and does not dare to face her extended family. She was left to fare on 500 dollars a week salary to look after her three children, more or less, JUST LIKE ME until I got my scholarship this year.
(People like him have no idea what it means to live on 500 dollars a week with high care dependants and no family support. He doesn't know what it means, or is it nastiness? ... not sure. Worse, he gaslights everyone: 'I gave her the house'! A house that was never his, what a joke when we know what really happened but he counts on mental shortcuts)
No, it is not fine. From my part, he does not take any financial responsibility for my daughter, and welcomes her only when it suits his work or travelling schedule. He should be paying a pension to her and to me if he can't look after her during business hours, but let's get to the bottom of the issue once and for all.
The betrayal was gigantic
We had managed, with great difficulties, patch up a six months affair he had in 2013 with another QUT Professor woman, followed by one year of couple therapy. This was supposed to be dealt with once and for all. It was a huge leap of faith for me to accept to go this way at the time despite having seen a lawyer.
A case of "recidivist'.
The distraught woman who send me the letter said in her email that my husband had told her our marriage was over and that he would leave me when my son would finish high school (Nov 2018). So this meant that he would have been with her for at least 8 months before we separated at the end of June 2019. She also talked about 'years' of manipulation, so it may have lasted quite a long time in fact.
Somehow, I had some hints, through the reoccurring signals I had witnessed in 2013 (loss of weight, restlessness, angry spurs), and further signs when we were holidaying in Bali, in November 2018. He was hard to figure out, everything could change any time. On one hand, in Bali, he talked about renewing our vows, to which I realistically replied there would be a lot of work to do before that, but, at the same time, he had said jokingly 'there are many women who are interested in me at my work'. I was wondering why say that? even if it was true, it was very out of character for him, he was completely lost, it seemed. Pathetically, he was atypically flirting with women compulsively now, at the airport, for example, with a woman giving us directions, *in front of the children*, this was new, like overconfidence or the opposite, not sure what to think about it, it was shocking, almost laughable. He also, one evening, told our 17 years old son inappropriately that LYING was not always a bad thing, and was going on about it, while I was saying the opposite. I remember thinking, 'this is going way too far', who had he become. This was all definitely out of character for him, perhaps a need for rationalisation. That is how affairs make you think.
Anyway, he had changed dramatically since I met him, and not for the better. I had been attracted by him, among other reasons, because I thought he was trustworthy.
The corporate arrogance did not stop there. The abandoned mistress went on maternity leave in February 2019, six months before our separation, to have her third child, and came back to work in January 2020. By then, my husband was with his latest mistress since June 2019, so her workload was forcibly cut back to one day a week for a salary of 500 Aud a week by her boss, my ex. The tragedy lasted a bit longer until she lately complained about the unfair work cutback to HR. It was her word against his, she had not kept any email about the affair, as you would imagine, so he denied and wan. Incidentally, his new and latest girlfriend, as a senior staff, had been involved in these kind of panels so she would have been of good advice as how to present things in my ex's favour.
He also denied the affair when her husband came to confront him at work in July 2020 after his son showed him a compromising sexto dated June 2020 that lead to their divorce. You will notice that a sexto in June 2020 occurred despite being with a new mistress, now partner, since June 2019. What are these educated women thinking?
The worst, perhaps, was that after she sent me and a handful of people this email, QUT higher management vetted her emails to QUT personnel and threatened her of defamation. Can you believe this? Defamation.
As much as I felt repulsed when I read this dreadful email, three good things came out of it:
I was able to forgive her as she had suffered enough and she seemed a genuinely nice person, who just happened to fall in love with the wrong person. I know how much love can be infatuating when family life is stressful, which is almost the same for everybody who work in stressful or demanding jobs situations, and/or have children who are young (like her) or unwell (like me).
The second good thing is that the first mistress (2013), CCed in the email, genuinely apologised to me for the first time despite prior confrontations. I regained some faith in humanity.
The third one is that, in January 2021, I got to chat to the distraught woman's husband, who had contacted me out of the blues, in July 2020, without me knowing who he was, without success at the time. It was covid-lockdown time, and I said I could not see him personally for a pretend translation he was asking me to quote, so could he please send it electronically. He did not pursue. I remember thinking it was odd. He would later say to me that he had been 'under the shock' of his wife's news. Yet, he now finally said something beautiful and very intelligent:
'I hope that all people involved will one day be able to forgive themselves'.
This means including me, I took it that way anyway since I had not been a good judge of character when I accepted to marry that man for life.
It is strange to talk about deceit as the main reason why my marriage ended, when during years and years (when I look at my diaries), it was not deceit but the lack of support which really was the main problem. The core issue was a problem which was absolutely solvable, but whatever language was spoken to him by any one, he could not understand it. Lack of support from one partner, usually men, is also, sadly, very common. It is this 'banality' which killed it. The famous 'banality of evil' described by Hannah Arendt.
What he was doing was very much at odd with his discourse, which made it even trickier. If you listened to him, you would think he was a feminist. He could gaslight you easily.
When my daughter became sick, in 2015, the lack of support was no longer a joke.
A neighbour who organised the end of the year street party, said to me: 'it is strange, I certainly would not have picked up your couple as one who would not last'. She was a school counsellor and she had not seen us for one year.
We could have made it, but not in the last years circumstances. As he said: 'I want to be happy before I die'. Please pause after you read that :) So did I.
He had become increasingly selfish, and developed a sense of misguided entitlement. He could not see how he could have such a high work life social status and not be able to go on holiday or enjoy the props that come with a high salary that you can keep for yourself, as he does now.
In addition, the 50s years old crises was looming, he was exercising madly, running along the block, pedalling the house bike, even locking his feet on the bed feet to do push ups manically in the evenings, I thought he had gone mad, he was hyper anxious about getting old. I found this terribly sad, lacking humility. Some friend at work, a long time ago, had said to me, you support your husband a lot but one day, when the children are bigger, you will have a good life of travelling with him for his work. That was the plan, but quite frankly, I think I would have mostly enjoyed the powerful and quiet satisfaction of having raised a beautiful family, in happiness and difficulties, with the comfort of thinking I had chosen the right person. Getting older was not necessary going to be terrible, other joys would have come along the way... well, if he had remained faithful to his real early self. Not sure it even exists anymore.
I started being resentful for his lack of support as the situation was getting really difficult for me with combining work & care at home. I was also disappointed that his brain, at least, could not be made useful to help our daughter in our medical investigations. I could not understand at all why he would be more interested in reading research papers for his work, and dismiss the ones I was sharing with him about our daughters condition, why he would not even make one phone call to a specialist, or help me book overseas appointment when I asked him etc. I remember asking him to call a neurosurgeon receptionist in Liverpool, England, whose accent I could not understand easily. He was holidaying with his parents in England at the time, but could not be bothered. At the end, I don't think he could bare what he could see in my eyes when I was looking at him as a result. I could not longer respect him.
I could no longer work full-time, exercise, socialise either; I was exhausted. Finances got strained as a result of going from FT to PT, and we had difficulties selling an investment property to ease things up with real estate market down in 2018. We discussed what was wrong, and I had hopes he could change if he put his mind into it. All he dreamed of was breakfasts for two. I preferred breakfasts for four. He wanted to travel to Vietnam, 'right now', it was not possible.
On the other hand, at work, he was competent, which is not surprising given the insane amount of hours invested over the years. This is where the rewards were and where he felt valued.
The rewards come from where you have invested your most precious capital: your time.
He wanted to be happy, so do I, but as everyone knows, your freedom stops where other people's freedom starts. You can't just ride on other people's back.
At the end, today, there is still no support from him, in other words, nothing has changed. Some people, at least, succeed in divorce by having a decent relationship after separating. This is not our case since nothing has changed.
As for the last girlfriend, now partner, how can one understand that a highly educated & mature woman like her would get along with all of this? I always thought he will never find a decent woman who will go along with his latest appalling attitude.
I got it wrong again.
I told her in the combined-mistresses email reply that I will never respect someone who goes with a man who has abandoned his wife with next to nil work capacity with his disabled child and does not pay a pension.
Little did I know that they had other priorities. They had to finance the Queenslander style romantic house of her dreams they very quickly bought, without respective children having even met! The house is further than 20mn by car from his work (if he needed to be called in case of emergency for my daughter, he would come too late), with stairs to get in and out (again a risk for my daughter and an impediment for the paramedics). I knew straight away it was not his choosing before I knew they had moved in together. The girly colonial style, with quick cover it all up white paint all over gave it away :). In other words, a chimere.
Anyway, this is the past now, but all these secrecies and impulsive actions meant that when my daughter went there for the first time in October, she did not even know he was living with someone!
At the end, his refusal to contribute to my daughter's care now means that I don't owe them any consideration. I now manage alone with my daughter despite unfathomable circumstances, and they are all dead to me.
I rang social services this year asking about respite care options in case I would be hospitalised for a while, and to ask them why a father should have so little obligations (financial or not) to care for a dependant child. I was told that not much could be done since my daughter is an adult and that Centerlink is paying her an allowance in order to 'technically' live independently. This is despite the fact that they are aware that she needs 'high care' level, and that this amount of money would not allow her to pay a rent. When I said 'ok but why do you assume that the mother should take the load?' they was no logical answer: 'well, in case of divorce, (he did not even say 'usually') the mum takes the children and the dad pays a pension, but the children should be under 18'. 'yes, I said, but you may have to revise your notion of 'dependence' and don't forget that we are not talking about caring for a child until they become 18 only, but for a lifetime! At the end, the social worker said: I am afraid there is not much which can be done if a father does not want to look after his child, but the state can make sure people 'live in decency' and he added 'the state can't guarantee 'quality of life'', but 'decency', he said, 'was the goal' - and he explained further how many disabled people who don't manage to access NDIS (well, it is not easy to access for sure, it is a battle) do not even reach 'decency'.
We are in a free country, and we can't force people to behave decently. Makes me wonder about this freedom privilege of ours! Freedom always come with responsibilities, and many people don't deserve such privilege, riding on everybody's back to enjoy a selfish life with the government paying for their children's wellbeing.
Personally, I wish there was no law in a perfect world where everyone would know what they should do, but realistically, I think that 'laws are made for those who need it'! I remember seeing that in a campsite one day 'these are the rules on how to dispose mindfully of your rubbish for those who need it', it stayed with me. Little did I then know that the father of my children would be one of them.
There is a long way to go for the #metoo movement guys! especially when you deal with women (as well) who have internalised the pervasive hypocritical logic, and perpetuate it themselves.
All dead to me, yes, so may they all rest in peace!
It is only now that I can talk about the ghosts from the past, with some detachment. There is a need to talk for closure. This story needs to be told because we know that it is silence which allows these things to happen, and shame to be directed in the wrong direction, like at QUT.
