My son is now 13 and has suddenly become mono-syllabic, he is shying away when I want to hold him, he is not telling much about what happens to him at school, and if I ask questions, they are not welcomed. He did not used to be like that, what is happening?
Out of chance, I came across a book I would normally never have bought, 'He'll be ok' by Celia Lashlie (the sheer act of buying this book has revealed my non admitted angst), and I liked what I read.
Her book is about the 2004 Good Man Project trying to define 'What makes a good man in the 21st century' out of discussions in 25 boys' schools in New Zealand. Incidentally, I will give you a list of 'describing words' as my son used to say (adjectives) at the end, but I was interested in something else which has to do with 'why men are very important to teenage boys' education' that startled me.
She managed to describe eloquently what is out of reach for any women, I am talking about Men's Business, and I found it fascinating.
She explains (as I suspected but no one before confirmed it for me as well) that men are highly intuitive. It is a big find for the very reason that it is counter-intuitive to say that, since intuition has always been associated with subjectivity, therefore (and grossly) with feminine attributes.
She describes how men use their intuition as a communication tool with considerable success.
She explains that when a boy moves from 12 to 13, from Primary school to High school, he seriously begins the journey of adolescence to manhood. 'The changes in his body are telling him in a very obvious way that he's on his way to a new and exciting place'. But he is nervous, uncertain of what is expected of him, and so he begins to seek information. And according to her, this is when the intuition he's always had begins in earnest. His goal: finding out what it means to be a man.
'His mate Dave uses that word and everyone thinks he's cool, so he stores the word in his word to use ti; Jack does something and everyone thinks he is an absolute dork, so he stores that away as something not to do. Things can change quickly, sometimes hour by hour rather than day by day. The cool word becomes a dorkish word, and the dorkish thing becomes cool. As his maturation continues, he will be able to collate pieces of information in order to define what makes a good man. At the moment, all the information is just rolling relentlessly in and out and nothing is sticking. This is why he cannot talk beyond monosyllabic grunt: too much going on inside.
'So, how do you know when you have gone too far?" (with a mate)
Long pause
'Well, he goes kinda quiet ... you expect an insult to come back and it doesn't'
'Or he moves away ... goes quiet'
'Or the skin around his neck changes' (note that it is quiet sophisticated for monosyllabic people to translate non verbal communication)
This is the framework of men's intuition, as she puts it.
One clean example of intuitive silent interaction she gives, is about Year 7 students playing a game on the concrete area in front of the main school building:
'The principal came down stairs on his way to do something and noticed the boys. He paused and watched the game for a minute or two, working out exactly what the boys were doing. Having sussed it, he joined in and played with them for about five minutes before moving on. No words had been exchanged between the various parties at this point'.
Likewise, in a conference hall: 'if one guy wanted another to sit next to him, he'd just nod towards a chair and raise an eyebrow and the other man would exactly know what he meant. He would not speak and just sit down'.
She explains that a large majority of men communicate with hand gestures, with their eyes and eyebrows, with their head, and then and only then do they speak. She does not think men themselves could explain easily how they communicate with one another so effectively, yet, often silently. For Celia Lashlie, the challenge for women is to recognize the communication that is occurring in silence and trust it, let it be, rather than insisting that everything be openly discussed.
And this is why:
Scene: a teenage boy stole a mobile phone, he has been caught, is very angry and is waiting in the principal office.
'I had walked into the principal's office not realising as I pushed the door open that a Year 10 boy was in the room. I quickly realised that something had been going on, that I was interrupting' ....
'So, in a spot of a bother, are we?'. He grunted.
The principal was moving towards the kid with his hand out, and appeared to be aiming at the boy's collar, which wasn't straight. The author, Celia L, reminds us at this point that she was then concerned at this gesture. She had been a prison officer herself before she became a Women Prison Manager in NZ, and she said 'I'd watched what happens when you touch angry people - you usually get a smack in the mouth'. So, here she was, thinking 'This is quite interesting. Touching this boy could produce quite a reaction. Why does the principal worry about the boy's collar at a time like this? What does it matter if it is crook?'
But then, the principal moved towards the boy with his arms extended, and while said 'Yeah, he is in a spot of bother. He nicked a cell phone - he knows he nicked it, and some time soon he's going to tell me about it'. Just as he finished, the principal dropped his hand onto the boy's shoulder, saying as he did so 'But, we are going to get through this'. The boy did not hit him. He waited about ten seconds, taking in the feeling of the older man's hand on his shoulder; then, to recover his pride, he shrugged the hand away. But for a few seconds, a younger man was told by an older man that though what he'd done was not OK, he was OK, and that there would be a way through this situation that would leave him intact.
I agree with her that this is extremely intuitive and skilful, that the message had been delivered effectively, and that no woman would have handled it that way.
'This is what happens when men attend to men's business'
She explains that women need to step back, let the men do what they do so well and enjoy watching on the sideline while our boy are 'on the bridge' of adolescence between boyhood and manhood (when they will come back).
If there is no father around, no worries, there surely are good men around that will do the job anyway, preferably one that is truly present in his life, that he sees 10 mn every day, a teacher, a grand dad, let him find his men!
She says that it is their intuition and their pragmatism that make them extraordinary creatures: incredibly humorous, incredibly frustrating and gorgeous.
I can not help thinking of my next door neighbor saying she had seen a gorgeous creature hanging around our properties, except she was referring to a python.The thing is, snakes are gorgeous too :)
She suggests we stop insisting on emotional literacy, but we talk about emotional confidence. This would extend the previous concept to not only having a number of options on hand when looking for a word to explain a feeling, but also having the freedom to decide whether talking is necessary and, if so, what needs to be said.
Nevertheless, she does insist that we should not give up on the development of a 'word bank' that will get them out of trouble in their future wider community dealings.
Trivia - Questions she asked to the secondary school boys:
If you tell your mum something voluntarily, she'll just ask a whole lot of questions. It's rude to say 'Enough', so it's best just not to talk at all.
A 15 year old boy was attacked by a shark but didn't tell his mother.
'She wouldn't have been interested?'
'No, she would have been too interested'
Radion news ite, 26 february 2005
If your mum stopped asking, would you tell her important stuff?
Yes, Trust that I'm OK and I'll come for help if I need it. Silence does not mean trouble.
What is the one thing about your dad you would change if you could ? 'He'd get his sense of humour back' (men are better at humour than most women and it is their communication forte, even to attract women - I read it somewhere else, I also read that we learn to laugh before we learn to speak, let's not go off course ... too many interesting facts ...)
Do you speak to your dad about sex? Yes, he said to say 'Please' first.
(means, no boys don't like to talk about sex with their dad for obvious reasons, and it is better respecting it, he'll ask his mates, his mate's older brother, a man in his surroundings)
Boys insisted they needed to know a man personally before they could decide whether he merited being described as a good man, so don't think that adolescent boys can not make the distinction between people they may admire 'out there' and those 'they actually want to be like'.
Characteristics of a Good Man in the XXI century (New Zealand)
Able to lead from the front
Has the strength to express his emotions
Principled - sticks up for what he believes in
Strong enough to know when to ask for help
Self-confident (will have a go)
Has the courage to be who he is (knows who he is)
Follows through on what he promised
Etc.... ending with 'good men don't sulk'
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